Well it's been over a month since my last blog, I have to say, a few things have changed. I've moved house, dyed my hair blonder, and become happier in my own little world. Though as stressful as it was moving, it is just as stressful studying for my exams. I can't seem to focus. There is only one person who can properly make me keep my head down. . . . . . . . . .John.
Before I moved, on our last night together in my previous place of residence, I said that it would probably be the last time we'd see each other. He told me that he wasn't in a position to prove me wrong. I wasn't willing to argue that point. I'd had enough of trying to salvage any sort of emotion with him. I loved him. He didn't need to know that. I wanted him more than anything in the world. He didn't need to know that either, so I kept these things to myself.
So I moved on. . .. . . . . . .literally and figuratively.
I started doing Yoga with my friend Sinead, it was just the exact release I needed. It's exercise but i'm not straining myself or constantly out of breath. I get to relax and focus on my own body. Feel every muscle, every piece of skin, every finger and toe move and keep me balanced. It was fantastic. The bigger picture no longer existed when I was in that room. I could give myself the love and attention I so desperately needed.
I was talking to John the day after my first yoga class. He was oddly interested in trying it. He has always found it difficult to properly relax about anything and after seeing how peaceful I was even the day after that first class, he was very eager to give it a go. I have to admit, I thought it'd be down-right HILARIOUS to see him attempt it. I'm kinda short at 5'4" and even I have difficulty finding a balance in some of the poses. John is 6'4", he'd have no hope!
So the following Monday we went to yoga. I was just happy to see him again. And finally, we were doing an activity outside of the bedroom. I tried to not have too many expectations knowing how defiant he can be with regards anything to do me. So I was even more surprised when he suggested to go for a drink afterwards and watch some football.
Three pints later we were hungry and admittedly a little lustful, so he came back to mine. Take away pizza and few cigarettes later (completely undoing all the good work from the yoga) we were cuddling up on my bed watching movies. It was like the best of old times. Feeling his head rest on my chest, all I could think was "remember this moment".
It was nice to wake up with his arms around me. I felt happy again. I know I should be happy within myself, and I am, but I'm just happier with him. After a while we got up and went our separate ways. We did the same thing the following week, but as it stands, it's been about 2 weeks since either of have been to yoga. I am itching to get back. Not only do I miss seeing him in his shorted glory, but I miss the feeling of pure ethereal relaxation. Yoga was my savior of the world at large. John was just the bonus prize in my little bubble.
Maybe before the exams we could do with a session to help us relieve stress and anxiety. Doubt anything will happen after it though. He'll probably use the ol' "I have to back and get a couple more hours of study in" excuse, then I'll receive that slap in the face text after he goes home saying "I'm far too relaxed to study, I might just play the Xbox".
I can see it now.
Anywho, it's nearly a month until my 23rd birthday party. John said he'd come to it, (let's just see about that). My best friend James is organizing it for me. James is my other half in platonic ways, we actually match perfectly. It's true James was my first major sexual encounter, but we realised that we were far better suited as friends than anything else. We tried to be more.
Around Christmas we decided to try and properly be together as a couple, but I fell at the first hurdle. I slept with my ex that very same night. (Hangs head in shame). I wanted to be with James. But it was during a period when I was fighting with John and had lost most of my hope with him. James literally battle storms to comfort me. I'll never forget that. He walked 4 or 5 miles in the freezing snow to come see make sure I was alright after I missed my train home to see my Mama. How can a broken hearted girl not see the romantic side in that. But as soon as I started talking to John again, James was out of the rosy picture. A big part of me regrets dumping him so fast. I wish I'd stuck it out. I always wonder how we'd be now. I know it's only 5 months later but I can't help but wonder if we'd actually stick it out.
Don't get me wrong, I love John, but we're hardly committed. James and I match on every level. I'm not exactly in love with him, but I love him enough that it wouldn't really be a stretch to fall for him. We talk everyday. Literally. I can't remember there being a day we haven't at least texted each other since October. But as it stands, he's my best friend. He loves me unconditionally, and I him. There's only 1 MAJOR downside. James and John pretty much hate each other. They both think the other is a dickhead. It doesn't make my life easy to have the 2 men I love most give out about the other.
I digressed. Sorry. So that's how my life currently stands. John and I talk every few days, about studying and a few other random tid-bits. And James has just left my house after spending all day with me while I studied, so I wouldn't get lonely. He got so bored, but that's just how incredible he is. John wouldn't dream of doing that.
I know what you're thinking. But trust me, James and I probably wouldn't work. He's not in love with me. And we would probably ruin each other. John and I, although very different, are better suited. He makes me want to be a better person, and I ............. well..... I help him be distracted from what he needs to do.
Ya.
I see the problem too.
Talk soon my invisible friends.
xxx
No comments:
Post a Comment