Low point....

It's the night before my final exam of 2nd year in college and I'm slipping. No energy, no brain power, no drive. This might very well have something to do with not having eaten anything today. But in times like this when my brain turns into relaxed mode, I start to think about how lovely it would be to have someone here with me, someone who loves me and will listen to me moan about life. I know very well no man will tolerate that kind of behaviour but in my mind they all do! A big, strong, caring man, who'll hold me and tell me that everything will be fine, ......... you'd think I was asking for something impossible.

John is texting me, bitching about irrelevant things. James is hosting the weekly poker game so he's MIA until the wee hours of the morning when they finally have a winner. And I'm supposed to be studying, but with a brain that is so mushy that I'm pretty sure there is some of it slipping out my ears,..... all i can do is moan and rant.

I'm moving out of here is 6 days. I'm so happy to be going home and spending quality time with my family. I haven't really seen them since Christmas. That's 5 solid months without the people I love the most. It's tough, but manageable. The part I miss most is watching my niece and nephew grow up. They're so young and funny and I just want to play dolls with Kady or basketball with Mattie.

There's a big downside to moving home even for a month...... James and John. I'm so annoyed that I won't get to see James everyday. I can't go a day without talking to him, he's my life. Though he could probably do without me for a while, all we do is sit and talk for hours, but I love that. We can spend all day in each others company without saying a word, it's actually really nice. As for John, I'll miss having the chance to coax him into bed, but that's not going to happen very often..................... Why am I wasting my time with him?

He's in such a cranky mood right now that I wonder why I want anything to do with him. If was to be in a forlorn mood with John, he'd just tell me to sleep it off and have some vitamins or something. But if it was James, he'd hug me and kiss me on the nose and tell me that the world will only be shit for a little while but it'll all be better in the morning. See this is why I love James, he knows me inside and out. We just work with each other. We have everything in common. It's so frustrating to think that we'll never be together. But we'll have each other in our lifes forever. .  . . .. . . . . . I guess that'll have to do......

I think it's time for bed, I need to stop thinking about things, but the chances of that are incredibly slim. Last exam tomorrow then I can focus on how I'm going to spend all my free time. I hope I get to spend at least some with John. STOP IT!

Good night little invisible friends.

xxxxxxx