Woke up feeling awful. Not health wise, just emotionally. I'm in the middle of my end of year exams and I am stressed up to my eyeballs. So as a way of enjoying a few hours off after a horrific management exam, James and I go for a drink with our friend Katie. While chatting away about anything and everything, James point out in the middle of a conversation "Oh I need to tell you something later!.....". I never like when people say that. It's always something bad. It was.
He texted me a few minutes later (while I was sitting beside him). "I have fragile x".
He has suspected he had this condition for months now, he got the results of the test yesterday. I knew exactly what this meant for him. He will never let himself have his own child, not willingly, knowing what life will be in-store for the baby. He wants kids. He wants what anybody wants, a wife, a home, and a family. He'll no other option but to adopt should his future wife want children.
He got angry on our walk home. Naturally. I just stood back and watched him kick walls and punch bins, seeing his pain and frustration come out in a big wad of anger. I want to help him so desperately. But in his attempt to forget his pain, he lashes out at me, saying that I need to sort my life out with John. That I can't keep waiting for the right time to tell him how I feel. I cry, like I always do. I don't do confrontation. Never have. Never will.
Then he cries. I'm not going to lie, I had mixed feelings about this. Although I appreciated this brutally honest display of emotion, I felt a little uncomfortable. I'd never seen him so distraught. I tell him that I love him and he blazes into fury again. Asking me why I can't feel anything else, why I'm not mad at him for having a go at me, why I'm not annoyed that he had just the spent the last hour asking me to punch him in the face so he could feel something.......... I wasn't about to give in. I'm stronger than that. I didn't want to hurt him even though he wanted me too. I can't do that to someone.
He's my world, and I can't stand to see him in so much pain. And because we're so alike I know exactly what he'll do. He'll do anything he can over the next few days to take the pain away. Drink, fight, have sex, cry, eat, and become so self-loathing that it does irreparable damage to his conscience. I know this because I've done the same. It's an odd natural reaction. All I can do for the meantime is sit back and watch it happen.
James came back to mine. We argued the entire way. Lord knows how many people we woke up. Outside my front door we made a deal, I'd try to tell John how I truly felt, if James promised me he'd never again say he himself was a "heartless motherfucker!". At the time it seemed like a bargain. He kissed me. It was bittersweet. If I couldn't punch him, I could at least help him feel something else. Pathetic excuse, but I couldn't think of a better one at the time. I love him, I wanted to help him. It was the easiest thing to just laugh with and kiss the person who has made you angry and made you cry for the last hour.
We watched some tv then he home angry again. I texted him for ages after he left, each message saying how much I love him.
Now you know why I woke up feeling shit. I just want to make him better and take away all his pain. I can deal with it for him. He doesn't need this, he's been through enough in his life without adding to it. This is such a huge thing to carry around with you. This is a persons health, their future. Admittedly, it could be so much worse, but it's still shit.
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