Why?

Well since my last post, I have moved back home for the summer. I still go back up to Dublin every couple of weeks to see James and everyone else. I miss them all so much. He and I are tryin to organise a trip down here for some people to stay while my Mom goes to Canada to see my brother for a month. Doodle is loving New York and having a fantastic time by the sounds of her emails. I'm so very jealous of her.

And I..... well, I'm frustrated. I went to up Dublin last week for 6 days with a few events to attend. My dear Lottie graduated from Trinity College. My best mate Ian celebrated his 21st birthday, and my friend Andy took me out on my birthday date he promised me. Between all this I had arranged a secret sexy night in a gorgeous hotel with John. We had booked the room and he had gotten 2 days off work so we could spend time together. So after bidding a fond farewell to my friend Lottie, I head to the hotel. There I wait excitedly for a wonderous night of passion. And I wait.......and wait......and wait................and nothing. I sat for 6 hours in my room watching Wimbledon and preparing myself for the night to come. I texted him asking him what time I could expect him. I got the reply that drive me over the edge of sanity........ "I'm tired. Don't think I'll make it".

I felt like crying, I was so upset and furious that I could only do what any woman in my situation would do, I called James. He lives 5 mins down the road from John and yet James dropped everything to come and see me. He spent €42 on a taxi, and John couldn't have been bothered to text me first, I had to ask him!!! Naturally James and I made the most of it. We had 3...nearly 4 hours of intense physical intimacy. Not including the next morning. It was fantastic. At least it was fantastic til later that next night. James kissed our mutual friends cousin Amanda. They've started seeing each other since that night. I'm a littte uneasy about it to be honest.

When given the same information I've given you, my dear friend Doodle summed my feelings up so brilliantly...."You and james are so close and it was just you two for so long that when another girl comes into the picture your mind and your heart goes haywire!". I'm a little ashamed to say that I want him now more than I ever have. I get sickeningly jealous whenever he says her name. I don't know what I want, or even who I want for that matter. I'm still longing to speak to John as we haven't spoken since that fateful night. I know I shouldn't want to talk to him after what he did, but I miss him. I miss talking to James too. We don't speak as much as we used to, but he clearly wants to get to know amanda, it's understandable. 


I'm fed up with emotions lately. I have far too many running around my head, I really just want all of these confusing thoughts to disappear and for something positive to happen. 


Ah, enough of that for now. 


Time to watch some mind numbing tv. 


Later my lovlies!


xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Nearly time to go...

I'm preparing myself to leave Dublin for a while. I'm hopefully only going for a month, but it's so much harder to leave this year than it was last year. It's mainly down to James. I've spent the past day with him and I can't imagine not seeing him every day. I'm going to miss him even more than I had ever thought. I won't get to see John before I go, or for my birthday...claims he can't get the time off work. Nice to know he really tried! (cue sarcastic face).

I'm not the only one who's leaving. My dear friend Sinead is moving to her home town of  NEW YORK in a few days. She's only going for the summer. Jealousy doesn't even cover it. I'm making her something I always promised her. A cook book. Basic recipes for fast, easy food. :) I like to make sure everyone is being looked after! I'm a mammy at heart. I can't help it.

I woke up next to James this morning and I was happy. Not ecstatic, not beaming, just comfortable and warm. I can't help but love him with all my heart. I think I'm looking into this more than I should but it's hard not to see how wonderful he is when I'm lonely. He's having such a hard time lately and all I want to do is make him smile, but that's proving harder than originally thought. But I know him and I know his weaknesses. He loves it when I make an idiot of myself, when I tell terrible jokes and when we make funny voices and say stupid lines from movies! I've said it before and I'll say it again, he's my world.

John is proving to be more and more of a disappointment. I think it's high time I stepped back from that whole  situation for a while. Maybe going home for a while will clear my head, stop everything seeming so grey. I miss colour, I miss seeing the sunny side of everything, I used to always be bright and happy, now everything is more dull. I don't quite know why. That's why I love James, I feel normal with him. Colour in abundance!

You can see why I'm confused. I hope the time away will make things clearer.

Time to finish Doodles book!

Later my lovelies!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Low point....

It's the night before my final exam of 2nd year in college and I'm slipping. No energy, no brain power, no drive. This might very well have something to do with not having eaten anything today. But in times like this when my brain turns into relaxed mode, I start to think about how lovely it would be to have someone here with me, someone who loves me and will listen to me moan about life. I know very well no man will tolerate that kind of behaviour but in my mind they all do! A big, strong, caring man, who'll hold me and tell me that everything will be fine, ......... you'd think I was asking for something impossible.

John is texting me, bitching about irrelevant things. James is hosting the weekly poker game so he's MIA until the wee hours of the morning when they finally have a winner. And I'm supposed to be studying, but with a brain that is so mushy that I'm pretty sure there is some of it slipping out my ears,..... all i can do is moan and rant.

I'm moving out of here is 6 days. I'm so happy to be going home and spending quality time with my family. I haven't really seen them since Christmas. That's 5 solid months without the people I love the most. It's tough, but manageable. The part I miss most is watching my niece and nephew grow up. They're so young and funny and I just want to play dolls with Kady or basketball with Mattie.

There's a big downside to moving home even for a month...... James and John. I'm so annoyed that I won't get to see James everyday. I can't go a day without talking to him, he's my life. Though he could probably do without me for a while, all we do is sit and talk for hours, but I love that. We can spend all day in each others company without saying a word, it's actually really nice. As for John, I'll miss having the chance to coax him into bed, but that's not going to happen very often..................... Why am I wasting my time with him?

He's in such a cranky mood right now that I wonder why I want anything to do with him. If was to be in a forlorn mood with John, he'd just tell me to sleep it off and have some vitamins or something. But if it was James, he'd hug me and kiss me on the nose and tell me that the world will only be shit for a little while but it'll all be better in the morning. See this is why I love James, he knows me inside and out. We just work with each other. We have everything in common. It's so frustrating to think that we'll never be together. But we'll have each other in our lifes forever. .  . . .. . . . . . I guess that'll have to do......

I think it's time for bed, I need to stop thinking about things, but the chances of that are incredibly slim. Last exam tomorrow then I can focus on how I'm going to spend all my free time. I hope I get to spend at least some with John. STOP IT!

Good night little invisible friends.

xxxxxxx

How do we do this?

Woke up feeling awful. Not health wise, just emotionally. I'm in the middle of my end of year exams and I am stressed up to my eyeballs. So as a way of enjoying a few hours off after a horrific management exam, James and I go for a drink with our friend Katie. While chatting away about anything and everything, James point out in the middle of a conversation "Oh I need to tell you something later!.....". I never like when people say that. It's always something bad. It was.

He texted me a few minutes later (while I was sitting beside him). "I have fragile x".

He has suspected he had this condition for months now, he got the results of the test yesterday. I knew exactly what this meant for him. He will never let himself have his own child, not willingly, knowing what life will be in-store for the baby. He wants kids. He wants what anybody wants, a wife, a home, and a family. He'll no other option but to adopt should his future wife want children.

He got angry on our walk home. Naturally. I just stood back and watched him kick walls and punch bins, seeing his pain and frustration come out in a big wad of anger. I want to help him so desperately. But in his attempt to forget his pain, he lashes out at me, saying that I need to sort my life out with John. That I can't keep waiting for the right time to tell him how I feel. I cry, like I always do. I don't do confrontation. Never have. Never will.

Then he cries. I'm not going to lie, I had mixed feelings about this. Although I appreciated this brutally honest  display of emotion, I felt a little uncomfortable. I'd never seen him so distraught. I tell him that I love him and he blazes into fury again. Asking me why I can't feel anything else, why I'm not mad at him for having a go at me, why I'm not annoyed that he had just the spent the last hour asking me to punch him in the face so he could feel something.......... I wasn't about to give in. I'm stronger than that. I didn't want to hurt him even though he wanted me too. I can't do that to someone.

He's my world, and I can't stand to see him in so much pain. And because we're so alike I know exactly what he'll do. He'll do anything he can over the next few days to take the pain away. Drink, fight, have sex, cry, eat,  and become so self-loathing  that it does irreparable damage to his conscience. I know this because I've done the same. It's an odd natural reaction. All I can do for the meantime is sit back and watch it happen.

James came back to mine. We argued the entire way. Lord knows how many people we woke up. Outside my front door we made a deal, I'd try to tell John how I truly felt, if James promised me he'd never again say he himself was a "heartless motherfucker!". At the time it seemed like a bargain. He kissed me. It was bittersweet. If I couldn't punch him, I could at least help him feel something else. Pathetic excuse, but I couldn't think of a better one at the time. I love him, I wanted to help him. It was the easiest thing to just laugh with and kiss the person who has made you angry and made you cry for the last hour.

We watched some tv then he home angry again. I texted him for ages after he left, each message saying how much I love him.

Now you know why I woke up feeling shit. I just want to make him better and take away all his pain. I can deal with it for him. He doesn't need this, he's been through enough in his life without adding to it. This is such a huge thing to carry around with you. This is a persons health, their future. Admittedly, it could be so much worse, but it's still shit.

So what's next?

Well it's been over a month since my last blog, I have to say, a few things have changed. I've moved house, dyed my hair blonder, and become happier in my own little world. Though as stressful as it was moving, it is just as stressful studying for my exams. I can't seem to focus. There is only one person who can properly make me keep my head down. . . . . . . . . .John.

Before I moved, on our last night together in my previous place of residence, I said that it would probably be the last time we'd see each other. He told me that he wasn't in a position to prove me wrong. I wasn't willing to argue that point. I'd had enough of trying to salvage any sort of emotion with him. I loved him. He didn't need to know that. I wanted him more than anything in the world. He didn't need to know that either, so I kept these things to myself.

So I moved on. . .. . . . . . .literally and figuratively.

I started doing Yoga with my friend Sinead, it was just the exact release I needed. It's exercise but i'm not straining myself or constantly out of breath. I get to relax and focus on my own body. Feel every muscle, every piece of skin, every finger and toe move and keep me balanced. It was fantastic. The bigger picture no longer existed when I was in that room. I could give myself the love and attention I so desperately needed.

I was talking to John the day after my first yoga class. He was oddly interested in trying it. He has always found it difficult to properly relax about anything and after seeing how peaceful I was even the day after that first class, he was very eager to give it a go. I have to admit, I thought it'd be down-right HILARIOUS to see him attempt it. I'm kinda short at 5'4" and even I have difficulty finding a balance in some of the poses. John is 6'4", he'd have no hope!

So the following Monday we went to yoga. I was just happy to see him again. And finally, we were doing an activity outside of the bedroom. I tried to not have too many expectations knowing how defiant he can be with regards anything to do me. So I was even more surprised when he suggested to go for a drink afterwards and watch some football.

Three pints later we were hungry and admittedly a little lustful, so he came back to mine. Take away pizza and few cigarettes later (completely undoing all the good work from the yoga) we were cuddling up on my bed watching movies. It was like the best of old times. Feeling his head rest on my chest, all I could think was "remember this moment".

It was nice to wake up with his arms around me. I felt happy again. I know I should be happy within myself, and I am, but I'm just happier with him. After a while we got up and went our separate ways. We did the same thing the following week, but as it stands, it's been about 2 weeks since either of have been to yoga. I am itching to get back. Not only do I miss seeing him in his shorted glory, but I miss the feeling of pure ethereal relaxation. Yoga was my savior of the world at large. John was just the bonus prize in my little bubble.

Maybe before the exams we could do with a session to help us relieve stress and anxiety. Doubt anything will happen after it though. He'll probably use the ol' "I have to back and get a couple more hours of study in" excuse, then I'll receive that slap in the face text after he goes home saying "I'm far too relaxed to study, I might just play the Xbox".

I can see it now.

Anywho, it's nearly a month until my 23rd birthday party. John said he'd come to it, (let's just see about that). My best friend James is organizing it for me. James is my other half in platonic ways, we actually match perfectly. It's true James was my first major sexual encounter, but we realised that we were far better suited as friends than anything else. We tried to be more.

Around Christmas we decided to try and properly be together as a couple, but I fell at the first hurdle. I slept with my ex that very same night. (Hangs head in shame). I wanted to be with James. But it was during a period when I was fighting with John and had lost most of my hope with him. James literally battle storms to comfort me. I'll never forget that. He walked 4 or 5 miles in the freezing snow to come see make sure I was alright after I missed my train home to see my Mama. How can a broken hearted girl not see the romantic side in that. But as soon as I started talking to John again, James was out of the rosy picture. A big part of me regrets dumping him so fast. I wish I'd stuck it out. I always wonder how we'd be now. I know it's only 5 months later but I can't help but wonder if we'd actually stick it out.

Don't get me wrong, I love John, but we're hardly committed. James and I match on every level. I'm not exactly in love with him, but I love him enough that it wouldn't really be a stretch to fall for him. We talk everyday. Literally. I can't remember there being a day we haven't at least texted each other since October.  But as it stands, he's my best friend. He loves me unconditionally, and I him. There's only 1 MAJOR downside. James and John pretty much hate each other. They both think the other is a dickhead. It doesn't make my life easy to have the 2 men I love most give out about the other.

I digressed. Sorry. So that's how my life currently stands. John and I talk every few days, about studying and a few other random tid-bits. And James has just left my house after spending all day with me while I studied, so I wouldn't get lonely. He got so bored, but that's just how incredible he is. John wouldn't dream of doing that.

I know what you're thinking. But trust me, James and I probably wouldn't work. He's not in love with me. And we would probably ruin each other. John and I, although very different, are better suited. He makes me want to be a better person, and I ............. well..... I help him be distracted from what he needs to do.
Ya.

I see the problem too.

Talk soon my invisible friends.

xxx

First post.....

Why am I doing this? Well, the answer is simple and overrated......I need a place to voice my thoughts and opinions without my companions knowledge. I get these moments where I need to let lose, everyone does, and mine seem to come to me in the wee small hours of the morning when everyone is asleep.


At these times when I have no-one else, I will come here. It's a way for me to off-load (like most other bloggers I guess...).  I know it seems very self indulgent, but i don't expect anyone to read this, but knowing I'll have put my thoughts and words into the ether, somehow makes me feel better.


So here's the problem, I'm a fuck up. Like most 22 year olds, I have irrelevant issues with life and love. No major problems to speak of, at least none of great importance, but little problems that niggle away at my conscious. I'm stuck. Stuck between living my life in a carefree, student-like nature or face the tasks of ever-growing adulthood with the grace and humility I know I possess in myself. Trying to find a balance at my age is difficult, I assume most females my age have the same problem.


For the first time in my life, I have "man problems". I am slightly ashamed to say that this is why at, 7 o'clock in the morning (GMT), I am setting up a blog. I just had a dream that the man I adore was trying to kill me. I was on the run from him. I woke up with such fear and dread in my system that I couldn't contemplate going back to sleep. I adore him because, on paper, he seems perfect . . . . . . .where have we heard that one before! He's tall, handsome, intelligent and funny. Admirable qualities in a mate, however, he is just as much of a fuck up as me.


It seems everyday I learn something new about him, and everyday I'm torn between thoughts of "he's a prick" and "I'm going to marry him one day". Sickening. He surprises me with moments of sheer sweetness and I guess some form of love (or lust), and moments of total ignorance and a passing of the time. It hurts. I should be stronger but he's that one person that makes me completely weak at the knees and I lose all ability to hold an argument or even conversation with him. I cannot, for the life of me, stand up for myself. He doesn't abuse this power, at least not in any obvious way. He does however, feel nothing for me. At least, that's how it comes across.


I can safely say that when he holds me in his arms, I am the happiest girl in the world. Every shred of doubt and anxiety disappear and I let out a sigh of comfort and love. But he probably hopes he'll get a bit of action, of which I never deny him. I get the sense of sensuality and closeness to the man I love, and he gets sex. As I sit in the bed where we share these moments, I can't but think of those first few days of idyllic lust. 5 months later, and somethings haven't changed, but a lot of things have.


Lets call him John. I know the chances of him even being aware such a blog exists are slim to none, but I'd feel more ridiculous than I currently already do, should he realise I used his real name. John is my ideal man, as I said, tall, handsome, intelligent and funny. He has a laugh that comes from his soul, and a smile that melts the hardest of hearts. He feels substandard about his body though naturally I think he looks incredible. He has goals and dreams and a strong sense of ambition, not in an egotistical manner just in a quietly "work his way a superior level" kind of manner. He's the oldest in his family therefore has a natural ability to be protective and caring. All endearing qualities to a girl who doesn't know better.


I'm aware at this point anyone who may have some across this self-indulgent work of shit, that I have the same problems as many other women out there who don't possess enough self-worth to do something about it. .. . . . . . . . and you'd be right. I use this merely as a place to verbally blow off steam, not fix my problems, or attempt to solve others. I saw a movie last night that reminded me of what I fear will happen in the coming months, I will be ruined, and from this ruin I will build myself back up into a person that I know and love and adapt it to my surroundings.


I've never been one to shy away from hurt. It sucks, but I feel it's necessary. If you try and protect yourself from it, it'll be so much worse, but if you stand up and take the brunt, it won't be that bad. It's a big part of life. I believe in few things outside of people. I don't believe in a deity or higher being, but I believe in balance and karma. If life is shit, eventually it'll get better. Not exactly words of wisdom but it's not a bad place to start.


Just because I am stuck in a place that I admit, at times, makes me unhappy doesn't mean this is how I'm going to spend the rest of my life. I am aware that this is the tip of the iceberg when it comes down to future loves and relationships. But if this is my starting point, . . . . . . . . . . . . . I'm screwed.