Why am I doing this? Well, the answer is simple and overrated......I need a place to voice my thoughts and opinions without my companions knowledge. I get these moments where I need to let lose, everyone does, and mine seem to come to me in the wee small hours of the morning when everyone is asleep.
At these times when I have no-one else, I will come here. It's a way for me to off-load (like most other bloggers I guess...). I know it seems very self indulgent, but i don't expect anyone to read this, but knowing I'll have put my thoughts and words into the ether, somehow makes me feel better.
So here's the problem, I'm a fuck up. Like most 22 year olds, I have irrelevant issues with life and love. No major problems to speak of, at least none of great importance, but little problems that niggle away at my conscious. I'm stuck. Stuck between living my life in a carefree, student-like nature or face the tasks of ever-growing adulthood with the grace and humility I know I possess in myself. Trying to find a balance at my age is difficult, I assume most females my age have the same problem.
For the first time in my life, I have "man problems". I am slightly ashamed to say that this is why at, 7 o'clock in the morning (GMT), I am setting up a blog. I just had a dream that the man I adore was trying to kill me. I was on the run from him. I woke up with such fear and dread in my system that I couldn't contemplate going back to sleep. I adore him because, on paper, he seems perfect . . . . . . .where have we heard that one before! He's tall, handsome, intelligent and funny. Admirable qualities in a mate, however, he is just as much of a fuck up as me.
It seems everyday I learn something new about him, and everyday I'm torn between thoughts of "he's a prick" and "I'm going to marry him one day". Sickening. He surprises me with moments of sheer sweetness and I guess some form of love (or lust), and moments of total ignorance and a passing of the time. It hurts. I should be stronger but he's that one person that makes me completely weak at the knees and I lose all ability to hold an argument or even conversation with him. I cannot, for the life of me, stand up for myself. He doesn't abuse this power, at least not in any obvious way. He does however, feel nothing for me. At least, that's how it comes across.
I can safely say that when he holds me in his arms, I am the happiest girl in the world. Every shred of doubt and anxiety disappear and I let out a sigh of comfort and love. But he probably hopes he'll get a bit of action, of which I never deny him. I get the sense of sensuality and closeness to the man I love, and he gets sex. As I sit in the bed where we share these moments, I can't but think of those first few days of idyllic lust. 5 months later, and somethings haven't changed, but a lot of things have.
Lets call him John. I know the chances of him even being aware such a blog exists are slim to none, but I'd feel more ridiculous than I currently already do, should he realise I used his real name. John is my ideal man, as I said, tall, handsome, intelligent and funny. He has a laugh that comes from his soul, and a smile that melts the hardest of hearts. He feels substandard about his body though naturally I think he looks incredible. He has goals and dreams and a strong sense of ambition, not in an egotistical manner just in a quietly "work his way a superior level" kind of manner. He's the oldest in his family therefore has a natural ability to be protective and caring. All endearing qualities to a girl who doesn't know better.
I'm aware at this point anyone who may have some across this self-indulgent work of shit, that I have the same problems as many other women out there who don't possess enough self-worth to do something about it. .. . . . . . . . and you'd be right. I use this merely as a place to verbally blow off steam, not fix my problems, or attempt to solve others. I saw a movie last night that reminded me of what I fear will happen in the coming months, I will be ruined, and from this ruin I will build myself back up into a person that I know and love and adapt it to my surroundings.
I've never been one to shy away from hurt. It sucks, but I feel it's necessary. If you try and protect yourself from it, it'll be so much worse, but if you stand up and take the brunt, it won't be that bad. It's a big part of life. I believe in few things outside of people. I don't believe in a deity or higher being, but I believe in balance and karma. If life is shit, eventually it'll get better. Not exactly words of wisdom but it's not a bad place to start.
Just because I am stuck in a place that I admit, at times, makes me unhappy doesn't mean this is how I'm going to spend the rest of my life. I am aware that this is the tip of the iceberg when it comes down to future loves and relationships. But if this is my starting point, . . . . . . . . . . . . . I'm screwed.
