I'm preparing myself to leave Dublin for a while. I'm hopefully only going for a month, but it's so much harder to leave this year than it was last year. It's mainly down to James. I've spent the past day with him and I can't imagine not seeing him every day. I'm going to miss him even more than I had ever thought. I won't get to see John before I go, or for my birthday...claims he can't get the time off work. Nice to know he really tried! (cue sarcastic face).
I'm not the only one who's leaving. My dear friend Sinead is moving to her home town of NEW YORK in a few days. She's only going for the summer. Jealousy doesn't even cover it. I'm making her something I always promised her. A cook book. Basic recipes for fast, easy food. :) I like to make sure everyone is being looked after! I'm a mammy at heart. I can't help it.
I woke up next to James this morning and I was happy. Not ecstatic, not beaming, just comfortable and warm. I can't help but love him with all my heart. I think I'm looking into this more than I should but it's hard not to see how wonderful he is when I'm lonely. He's having such a hard time lately and all I want to do is make him smile, but that's proving harder than originally thought. But I know him and I know his weaknesses. He loves it when I make an idiot of myself, when I tell terrible jokes and when we make funny voices and say stupid lines from movies! I've said it before and I'll say it again, he's my world.
John is proving to be more and more of a disappointment. I think it's high time I stepped back from that whole situation for a while. Maybe going home for a while will clear my head, stop everything seeming so grey. I miss colour, I miss seeing the sunny side of everything, I used to always be bright and happy, now everything is more dull. I don't quite know why. That's why I love James, I feel normal with him. Colour in abundance!
You can see why I'm confused. I hope the time away will make things clearer.
Time to finish Doodles book!
Later my lovelies!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Saturday, 28 May 2011
Tuesday, 24 May 2011
Low point....
It's the night before my final exam of 2nd year in college and I'm slipping. No energy, no brain power, no drive. This might very well have something to do with not having eaten anything today. But in times like this when my brain turns into relaxed mode, I start to think about how lovely it would be to have someone here with me, someone who loves me and will listen to me moan about life. I know very well no man will tolerate that kind of behaviour but in my mind they all do! A big, strong, caring man, who'll hold me and tell me that everything will be fine, ......... you'd think I was asking for something impossible.
John is texting me, bitching about irrelevant things. James is hosting the weekly poker game so he's MIA until the wee hours of the morning when they finally have a winner. And I'm supposed to be studying, but with a brain that is so mushy that I'm pretty sure there is some of it slipping out my ears,..... all i can do is moan and rant.
I'm moving out of here is 6 days. I'm so happy to be going home and spending quality time with my family. I haven't really seen them since Christmas. That's 5 solid months without the people I love the most. It's tough, but manageable. The part I miss most is watching my niece and nephew grow up. They're so young and funny and I just want to play dolls with Kady or basketball with Mattie.
There's a big downside to moving home even for a month...... James and John. I'm so annoyed that I won't get to see James everyday. I can't go a day without talking to him, he's my life. Though he could probably do without me for a while, all we do is sit and talk for hours, but I love that. We can spend all day in each others company without saying a word, it's actually really nice. As for John, I'll miss having the chance to coax him into bed, but that's not going to happen very often..................... Why am I wasting my time with him?
He's in such a cranky mood right now that I wonder why I want anything to do with him. If was to be in a forlorn mood with John, he'd just tell me to sleep it off and have some vitamins or something. But if it was James, he'd hug me and kiss me on the nose and tell me that the world will only be shit for a little while but it'll all be better in the morning. See this is why I love James, he knows me inside and out. We just work with each other. We have everything in common. It's so frustrating to think that we'll never be together. But we'll have each other in our lifes forever. . . . .. . . . . . I guess that'll have to do......
I think it's time for bed, I need to stop thinking about things, but the chances of that are incredibly slim. Last exam tomorrow then I can focus on how I'm going to spend all my free time. I hope I get to spend at least some with John. STOP IT!
Good night little invisible friends.
xxxxxxx
John is texting me, bitching about irrelevant things. James is hosting the weekly poker game so he's MIA until the wee hours of the morning when they finally have a winner. And I'm supposed to be studying, but with a brain that is so mushy that I'm pretty sure there is some of it slipping out my ears,..... all i can do is moan and rant.
I'm moving out of here is 6 days. I'm so happy to be going home and spending quality time with my family. I haven't really seen them since Christmas. That's 5 solid months without the people I love the most. It's tough, but manageable. The part I miss most is watching my niece and nephew grow up. They're so young and funny and I just want to play dolls with Kady or basketball with Mattie.
There's a big downside to moving home even for a month...... James and John. I'm so annoyed that I won't get to see James everyday. I can't go a day without talking to him, he's my life. Though he could probably do without me for a while, all we do is sit and talk for hours, but I love that. We can spend all day in each others company without saying a word, it's actually really nice. As for John, I'll miss having the chance to coax him into bed, but that's not going to happen very often..................... Why am I wasting my time with him?
He's in such a cranky mood right now that I wonder why I want anything to do with him. If was to be in a forlorn mood with John, he'd just tell me to sleep it off and have some vitamins or something. But if it was James, he'd hug me and kiss me on the nose and tell me that the world will only be shit for a little while but it'll all be better in the morning. See this is why I love James, he knows me inside and out. We just work with each other. We have everything in common. It's so frustrating to think that we'll never be together. But we'll have each other in our lifes forever. . . . .. . . . . . I guess that'll have to do......
I think it's time for bed, I need to stop thinking about things, but the chances of that are incredibly slim. Last exam tomorrow then I can focus on how I'm going to spend all my free time. I hope I get to spend at least some with John. STOP IT!
Good night little invisible friends.
xxxxxxx
Saturday, 21 May 2011
How do we do this?
Woke up feeling awful. Not health wise, just emotionally. I'm in the middle of my end of year exams and I am stressed up to my eyeballs. So as a way of enjoying a few hours off after a horrific management exam, James and I go for a drink with our friend Katie. While chatting away about anything and everything, James point out in the middle of a conversation "Oh I need to tell you something later!.....". I never like when people say that. It's always something bad. It was.
He texted me a few minutes later (while I was sitting beside him). "I have fragile x".
He has suspected he had this condition for months now, he got the results of the test yesterday. I knew exactly what this meant for him. He will never let himself have his own child, not willingly, knowing what life will be in-store for the baby. He wants kids. He wants what anybody wants, a wife, a home, and a family. He'll no other option but to adopt should his future wife want children.
He got angry on our walk home. Naturally. I just stood back and watched him kick walls and punch bins, seeing his pain and frustration come out in a big wad of anger. I want to help him so desperately. But in his attempt to forget his pain, he lashes out at me, saying that I need to sort my life out with John. That I can't keep waiting for the right time to tell him how I feel. I cry, like I always do. I don't do confrontation. Never have. Never will.
Then he cries. I'm not going to lie, I had mixed feelings about this. Although I appreciated this brutally honest display of emotion, I felt a little uncomfortable. I'd never seen him so distraught. I tell him that I love him and he blazes into fury again. Asking me why I can't feel anything else, why I'm not mad at him for having a go at me, why I'm not annoyed that he had just the spent the last hour asking me to punch him in the face so he could feel something.......... I wasn't about to give in. I'm stronger than that. I didn't want to hurt him even though he wanted me too. I can't do that to someone.
He's my world, and I can't stand to see him in so much pain. And because we're so alike I know exactly what he'll do. He'll do anything he can over the next few days to take the pain away. Drink, fight, have sex, cry, eat, and become so self-loathing that it does irreparable damage to his conscience. I know this because I've done the same. It's an odd natural reaction. All I can do for the meantime is sit back and watch it happen.
James came back to mine. We argued the entire way. Lord knows how many people we woke up. Outside my front door we made a deal, I'd try to tell John how I truly felt, if James promised me he'd never again say he himself was a "heartless motherfucker!". At the time it seemed like a bargain. He kissed me. It was bittersweet. If I couldn't punch him, I could at least help him feel something else. Pathetic excuse, but I couldn't think of a better one at the time. I love him, I wanted to help him. It was the easiest thing to just laugh with and kiss the person who has made you angry and made you cry for the last hour.
We watched some tv then he home angry again. I texted him for ages after he left, each message saying how much I love him.
Now you know why I woke up feeling shit. I just want to make him better and take away all his pain. I can deal with it for him. He doesn't need this, he's been through enough in his life without adding to it. This is such a huge thing to carry around with you. This is a persons health, their future. Admittedly, it could be so much worse, but it's still shit.
He texted me a few minutes later (while I was sitting beside him). "I have fragile x".
He has suspected he had this condition for months now, he got the results of the test yesterday. I knew exactly what this meant for him. He will never let himself have his own child, not willingly, knowing what life will be in-store for the baby. He wants kids. He wants what anybody wants, a wife, a home, and a family. He'll no other option but to adopt should his future wife want children.
He got angry on our walk home. Naturally. I just stood back and watched him kick walls and punch bins, seeing his pain and frustration come out in a big wad of anger. I want to help him so desperately. But in his attempt to forget his pain, he lashes out at me, saying that I need to sort my life out with John. That I can't keep waiting for the right time to tell him how I feel. I cry, like I always do. I don't do confrontation. Never have. Never will.
Then he cries. I'm not going to lie, I had mixed feelings about this. Although I appreciated this brutally honest display of emotion, I felt a little uncomfortable. I'd never seen him so distraught. I tell him that I love him and he blazes into fury again. Asking me why I can't feel anything else, why I'm not mad at him for having a go at me, why I'm not annoyed that he had just the spent the last hour asking me to punch him in the face so he could feel something.......... I wasn't about to give in. I'm stronger than that. I didn't want to hurt him even though he wanted me too. I can't do that to someone.
He's my world, and I can't stand to see him in so much pain. And because we're so alike I know exactly what he'll do. He'll do anything he can over the next few days to take the pain away. Drink, fight, have sex, cry, eat, and become so self-loathing that it does irreparable damage to his conscience. I know this because I've done the same. It's an odd natural reaction. All I can do for the meantime is sit back and watch it happen.
James came back to mine. We argued the entire way. Lord knows how many people we woke up. Outside my front door we made a deal, I'd try to tell John how I truly felt, if James promised me he'd never again say he himself was a "heartless motherfucker!". At the time it seemed like a bargain. He kissed me. It was bittersweet. If I couldn't punch him, I could at least help him feel something else. Pathetic excuse, but I couldn't think of a better one at the time. I love him, I wanted to help him. It was the easiest thing to just laugh with and kiss the person who has made you angry and made you cry for the last hour.
We watched some tv then he home angry again. I texted him for ages after he left, each message saying how much I love him.
Now you know why I woke up feeling shit. I just want to make him better and take away all his pain. I can deal with it for him. He doesn't need this, he's been through enough in his life without adding to it. This is such a huge thing to carry around with you. This is a persons health, their future. Admittedly, it could be so much worse, but it's still shit.
Sunday, 8 May 2011
So what's next?
Well it's been over a month since my last blog, I have to say, a few things have changed. I've moved house, dyed my hair blonder, and become happier in my own little world. Though as stressful as it was moving, it is just as stressful studying for my exams. I can't seem to focus. There is only one person who can properly make me keep my head down. . . . . . . . . .John.
Before I moved, on our last night together in my previous place of residence, I said that it would probably be the last time we'd see each other. He told me that he wasn't in a position to prove me wrong. I wasn't willing to argue that point. I'd had enough of trying to salvage any sort of emotion with him. I loved him. He didn't need to know that. I wanted him more than anything in the world. He didn't need to know that either, so I kept these things to myself.
So I moved on. . .. . . . . . .literally and figuratively.
I started doing Yoga with my friend Sinead, it was just the exact release I needed. It's exercise but i'm not straining myself or constantly out of breath. I get to relax and focus on my own body. Feel every muscle, every piece of skin, every finger and toe move and keep me balanced. It was fantastic. The bigger picture no longer existed when I was in that room. I could give myself the love and attention I so desperately needed.
I was talking to John the day after my first yoga class. He was oddly interested in trying it. He has always found it difficult to properly relax about anything and after seeing how peaceful I was even the day after that first class, he was very eager to give it a go. I have to admit, I thought it'd be down-right HILARIOUS to see him attempt it. I'm kinda short at 5'4" and even I have difficulty finding a balance in some of the poses. John is 6'4", he'd have no hope!
So the following Monday we went to yoga. I was just happy to see him again. And finally, we were doing an activity outside of the bedroom. I tried to not have too many expectations knowing how defiant he can be with regards anything to do me. So I was even more surprised when he suggested to go for a drink afterwards and watch some football.
Three pints later we were hungry and admittedly a little lustful, so he came back to mine. Take away pizza and few cigarettes later (completely undoing all the good work from the yoga) we were cuddling up on my bed watching movies. It was like the best of old times. Feeling his head rest on my chest, all I could think was "remember this moment".
It was nice to wake up with his arms around me. I felt happy again. I know I should be happy within myself, and I am, but I'm just happier with him. After a while we got up and went our separate ways. We did the same thing the following week, but as it stands, it's been about 2 weeks since either of have been to yoga. I am itching to get back. Not only do I miss seeing him in his shorted glory, but I miss the feeling of pure ethereal relaxation. Yoga was my savior of the world at large. John was just the bonus prize in my little bubble.
Maybe before the exams we could do with a session to help us relieve stress and anxiety. Doubt anything will happen after it though. He'll probably use the ol' "I have to back and get a couple more hours of study in" excuse, then I'll receive that slap in the face text after he goes home saying "I'm far too relaxed to study, I might just play the Xbox".
I can see it now.
Anywho, it's nearly a month until my 23rd birthday party. John said he'd come to it, (let's just see about that). My best friend James is organizing it for me. James is my other half in platonic ways, we actually match perfectly. It's true James was my first major sexual encounter, but we realised that we were far better suited as friends than anything else. We tried to be more.
Around Christmas we decided to try and properly be together as a couple, but I fell at the first hurdle. I slept with my ex that very same night. (Hangs head in shame). I wanted to be with James. But it was during a period when I was fighting with John and had lost most of my hope with him. James literally battle storms to comfort me. I'll never forget that. He walked 4 or 5 miles in the freezing snow to come see make sure I was alright after I missed my train home to see my Mama. How can a broken hearted girl not see the romantic side in that. But as soon as I started talking to John again, James was out of the rosy picture. A big part of me regrets dumping him so fast. I wish I'd stuck it out. I always wonder how we'd be now. I know it's only 5 months later but I can't help but wonder if we'd actually stick it out.
Don't get me wrong, I love John, but we're hardly committed. James and I match on every level. I'm not exactly in love with him, but I love him enough that it wouldn't really be a stretch to fall for him. We talk everyday. Literally. I can't remember there being a day we haven't at least texted each other since October. But as it stands, he's my best friend. He loves me unconditionally, and I him. There's only 1 MAJOR downside. James and John pretty much hate each other. They both think the other is a dickhead. It doesn't make my life easy to have the 2 men I love most give out about the other.
I digressed. Sorry. So that's how my life currently stands. John and I talk every few days, about studying and a few other random tid-bits. And James has just left my house after spending all day with me while I studied, so I wouldn't get lonely. He got so bored, but that's just how incredible he is. John wouldn't dream of doing that.
I know what you're thinking. But trust me, James and I probably wouldn't work. He's not in love with me. And we would probably ruin each other. John and I, although very different, are better suited. He makes me want to be a better person, and I ............. well..... I help him be distracted from what he needs to do.
Ya.
I see the problem too.
Talk soon my invisible friends.
xxx
Before I moved, on our last night together in my previous place of residence, I said that it would probably be the last time we'd see each other. He told me that he wasn't in a position to prove me wrong. I wasn't willing to argue that point. I'd had enough of trying to salvage any sort of emotion with him. I loved him. He didn't need to know that. I wanted him more than anything in the world. He didn't need to know that either, so I kept these things to myself.
So I moved on. . .. . . . . . .literally and figuratively.
I started doing Yoga with my friend Sinead, it was just the exact release I needed. It's exercise but i'm not straining myself or constantly out of breath. I get to relax and focus on my own body. Feel every muscle, every piece of skin, every finger and toe move and keep me balanced. It was fantastic. The bigger picture no longer existed when I was in that room. I could give myself the love and attention I so desperately needed.
I was talking to John the day after my first yoga class. He was oddly interested in trying it. He has always found it difficult to properly relax about anything and after seeing how peaceful I was even the day after that first class, he was very eager to give it a go. I have to admit, I thought it'd be down-right HILARIOUS to see him attempt it. I'm kinda short at 5'4" and even I have difficulty finding a balance in some of the poses. John is 6'4", he'd have no hope!
So the following Monday we went to yoga. I was just happy to see him again. And finally, we were doing an activity outside of the bedroom. I tried to not have too many expectations knowing how defiant he can be with regards anything to do me. So I was even more surprised when he suggested to go for a drink afterwards and watch some football.
Three pints later we were hungry and admittedly a little lustful, so he came back to mine. Take away pizza and few cigarettes later (completely undoing all the good work from the yoga) we were cuddling up on my bed watching movies. It was like the best of old times. Feeling his head rest on my chest, all I could think was "remember this moment".
It was nice to wake up with his arms around me. I felt happy again. I know I should be happy within myself, and I am, but I'm just happier with him. After a while we got up and went our separate ways. We did the same thing the following week, but as it stands, it's been about 2 weeks since either of have been to yoga. I am itching to get back. Not only do I miss seeing him in his shorted glory, but I miss the feeling of pure ethereal relaxation. Yoga was my savior of the world at large. John was just the bonus prize in my little bubble.
Maybe before the exams we could do with a session to help us relieve stress and anxiety. Doubt anything will happen after it though. He'll probably use the ol' "I have to back and get a couple more hours of study in" excuse, then I'll receive that slap in the face text after he goes home saying "I'm far too relaxed to study, I might just play the Xbox".
I can see it now.
Anywho, it's nearly a month until my 23rd birthday party. John said he'd come to it, (let's just see about that). My best friend James is organizing it for me. James is my other half in platonic ways, we actually match perfectly. It's true James was my first major sexual encounter, but we realised that we were far better suited as friends than anything else. We tried to be more.
Around Christmas we decided to try and properly be together as a couple, but I fell at the first hurdle. I slept with my ex that very same night. (Hangs head in shame). I wanted to be with James. But it was during a period when I was fighting with John and had lost most of my hope with him. James literally battle storms to comfort me. I'll never forget that. He walked 4 or 5 miles in the freezing snow to come see make sure I was alright after I missed my train home to see my Mama. How can a broken hearted girl not see the romantic side in that. But as soon as I started talking to John again, James was out of the rosy picture. A big part of me regrets dumping him so fast. I wish I'd stuck it out. I always wonder how we'd be now. I know it's only 5 months later but I can't help but wonder if we'd actually stick it out.
Don't get me wrong, I love John, but we're hardly committed. James and I match on every level. I'm not exactly in love with him, but I love him enough that it wouldn't really be a stretch to fall for him. We talk everyday. Literally. I can't remember there being a day we haven't at least texted each other since October. But as it stands, he's my best friend. He loves me unconditionally, and I him. There's only 1 MAJOR downside. James and John pretty much hate each other. They both think the other is a dickhead. It doesn't make my life easy to have the 2 men I love most give out about the other.
I digressed. Sorry. So that's how my life currently stands. John and I talk every few days, about studying and a few other random tid-bits. And James has just left my house after spending all day with me while I studied, so I wouldn't get lonely. He got so bored, but that's just how incredible he is. John wouldn't dream of doing that.
I know what you're thinking. But trust me, James and I probably wouldn't work. He's not in love with me. And we would probably ruin each other. John and I, although very different, are better suited. He makes me want to be a better person, and I ............. well..... I help him be distracted from what he needs to do.
Ya.
I see the problem too.
Talk soon my invisible friends.
xxx
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